I woke up today, and I don’t think I’ve missed you more than I do today, even though I know I’ll miss you even more tomorrow. It’s been 114 days and there isn’t a day that I don’t think about you. It’s been 113 nights and there isn’t a night that I don’t dream about you, even thought I really wish it would all stop.
I was in the kitchen making breakfast and all I felt was you. I felt you next to the sink when I was washing the dishes, the way you used to hug me from behind, wrap your arms around me and kiss the top of my head. The way I would relax and close my eyes smiling and everything just felt the way it should. It felt so right, the way we would laugh so hard. I felt you when I was doing the laundry, how annoyed you’d get when I’d steal your clothes, but secretly you loved it when I did. It’s the small little things that I used to do with you and now do by myself that leave my chest aching.
I was making food and our song came on. I remember the way we were cooking together and our song came on and you wrapped your arms around me tightly, looked into my eyes smiling and started dancing with me. I think that’s one of my favourite memories and I think about it every day because I don’t want it to fade. I want to think about that memory every day and smile with tears in my eyes because it was a beautiful moment. So simple and easy and we were in love. I remember the way you tried to dance with me but you were so bad at it and I burst into hysterical laughter. I laughed so hard I had tears streaming down my face and you started laughing too because my laugh was so infectious. I remember doubling over from laughing so much and you pulled me close, put your finger under my chin and whipped my tears away, with the biggest smile on your face. Then you gave me one of those tight, warm, bear hugs and told me you loved me and we just stayed like that for what seemed like hours. The way you looked at me then. I will never forget that look and I hope someone looks at me the way you did then. You looked at me like I was everything and the only thing you could see. You looked at me as if you were to say ‘’ This is her’’. And in a way I guess you did because we had so many plans but in that moment we weren’t thinking about any of that. We were living in the moment. In a beautiful moment not worried about what may or may not be or what may or may not happen.
I remember the way you would laugh and cringe whenever I would sing at the top of my lungs and try to get you to dance with me but you never would until that day. Then it turned into a sort of tradition and we would sing and dance together whenever we did the dishes or cooked or cleaned. I think that’s what I loved the most. I loved the small things that so clearly showed you loved me.
I remember when we were lying in bed one night after an argument. You had gotten so mad at me but i remember being the one to start it. It was stupid but I didn’t want to admit that and I didn’t want to admit that I was wrong. I remember feeling so afraid that I would lose you. You were facing away from me and I wanted you to so badly to turn around and take me into your arms.I wanted you to be the one to make up with me. But instead I decided to man up and I was the one to wrap my arms around you. I can still remember the way your breath hitched, the way your heart started beating faster and the way you let a big deep breath out. I felt you relax and I kissed the side of your shoulder and I held you tighter and I knew things would be okay. I remember falling asleep in that position in complete silence, your back against my chest and the last thing I heard before I fell into a deep sleep was you whispering “I love you.” and intertwining your fingers through mine as I held you close against me. I remember falling asleep smiling even thought my face was covered in tears.
I know you probably don’t want me in your life anymore, and I know that it would be too hard to only be friends but I just hope you’re happy. I wish you would reply to my texts, I need to send them to you so that I at least feel like you’re still a part of my life somehow. I’m so scared you’ll forget about me or that you’ll only remember the bad times. I’m scared you’ll find someone to replace me with and that she’ll love you more than I ever did. I’m scared she’ll give you everything I didn’t. I’m scared because I wish I had been a better person back then, that I had been the person I am now. And I’m scared that when you meet her, she’ll have mastered everything I had not.
I wonder if you still think about me. I wonder if you read my texts and smile or if you read them and wish I hadn’t sent them. I wonder if you ever have an urge to get on the train and come see me at 3am. I wonder if you ever want to be with me again, if you miss me so much everything hurts. I wonder if you try your hardest to resist the urge to reply to my texts, if you read them over and over and over again. I wonder if you reread the conversations we used to have when we were together. I wonder if you compare me to everyone you meet, because I know that’s what I catch myself doing and noone else can compare to you.
I’m sorry that I hurt you. I’m sorry that I gave up.I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you needed me to be. I’m sorry I was so selfish and that I didn’t realise until it was too late. And I’m sorry that I didn’t fight for us harder, like the way you deserved to be fought for. I don’t want you back, but I just feel so guilty for all the pain I caused you. Part of me knows that I’m not who I was, but another part of me feels like I am partially responsible for the depressive state you were in for so long. Part of me feels like you were in that state because of me and sometimes the guilt feels like its eating me up, sometimes it feels like I will never feel anything apart from this guilt even thought I know I will be okay.
All my love, Jana xxx