♥ Breaking Up When You Still Love Each Other ♥

What is the hardest thing about going through a break up when you still love each other? What is the hardest thing about losing someone that was the most important person in your life?

I honestly can’t decide. I know I should stop thinking about it but everything i do reminds me of us and him and everything that we should be but aren’t. I keep remembering the little things or how happy we were. Even though we argued a lot and there are a lot of reasons things didn’t work out I can’t help but feel like thats down to the fact that I didn’t fight hard enough. I can’t help but blame myself for losing someone so amazing. Obviously, living with borderline, there were times where I took him for granted and felt like I didn’t deserve him, and that person, that I was all those months ago really didn’t deserve him. Im being honest, he was so good to me and treated me right, most of the time, atleast, he always tried to and I treated him like crap, even thought I tried to be a good girlfriend.But I just didn’t realise the shitty things I was doing until I convinced myself it was too late. We fought and we had our issues, but at the end of the day we seriously loved each other. He felt like my other half. We had talked about getting promise rings a few weeks before, we talked about marriage and moving in together. And we talked about having kids and I couldn’t picture anyone being a better dad than him. 

The biggest fear when we broke up, for me, was that I would never find someone like that ever again. That he would always be ‘’the one that got away’’ and maybe in a way he always will be. I don’t think you ever truly get over your first love, and if you do, then you never really actually loved them in that sense. Maybe I’m wrong, and I guess it’s different for everyone, but that’s how I personally feel. I was so scared that I would never find someone that understood me, accepted me, and loved me unconditionally as much as he did. I feared the unknown future when we had everything planned out. I feared my life without him and even now its the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. I still love him, and my heart breaks a little every day because he isn’t in it. But i guess with time, I will be able to move on. I’ve let him go and I’ve accepted the fact that we will probably never be together again, even though there are days where I wish things could have gone differently. There are days that I wish I had fought for him. For us. For our baby. But after losing the baby, I just couldn’t see behind the pain that brought me. I didn’t realise that I was unhappy with myself and thats why i was unhappy with him. Because ultimately, you have to be fine with yourself because if you’re not, you’ll never be happy with the other person. So I projected the unhappiness and blame I felt for myself onto him and that was pretty much the downfall. 

I always thought it was stupid to say you can’t live without someone or that it was silly to depend on someone else for your happiness. Little did I realise thats exactly what I was doing, that that was how I would feel. I don’t think the pain of losing him will ever go away. It’s just become more bearable to live without him. I still cry, I still feel the loss of him every day. Not only did I lose him but it makes the pain of losing the baby that much more intense. He had been there through everything. Pretty much all the teenage years, losing him, I kind of lost myself too. 

It’s strange though because in a way, I don’t want the pain to stop. Because if the pain stops, ill start to forget him. I’ll start to forget how things were and I don’t want the vivid memories to fade. I still see him when I close my eyes. I still dream about him. I still catch myself smiling at our plans and then realise that those plans have changed because he’s no longer in my life. He watched me grow. He was there when I became the person I am now, and the loss is a constant ache and reminder that nothing ever lasts in my life. Nothing. Even from a young age, I’ve never seen 2 people in my family that are completely in love and crazy about each other and even when I did, it wasn’t super positive. I’ve always had constant change in my life, not something consistent. Not something that has lasted the way I needed it to.

I remember being so caught up with proving my parents wrong, that your first love CAN be your last as well, that I completely lost myself and I lost the fight in me. I was so focused on proving it to my parents, that I completely lost my focus on my partner and the relationship. I gave up on him because I wasn’t strong enough. I was’t strong enough to fight for both myself and for him and now that I think about it,  I wish I had. 

He gave me more chances than I deserved and even now, a part of me still has the tiniest amount of hope that maybe one day we will find each other again. 

I’m a hopeless romantic and I believe that true love exists. Maybe I’m that way because noone in my family is and I don’t want to be like them. I want to be able to have a stable, consistent family of my own one day and I want to be able to be with someone, that is my best friend, that has some similar interests, that has a similar lifestyle, that loves me unconditionally and that has a passion for life. Basically everything that he was, but I gave up because I was struggling in life and so was he, but instead of helping him, I was selfish enough to help myself but not strong enough to help him too. I think that I blame myself for that a lot, I feel like it was one of those self sabotage things that I do when something scares me or makes me panic. In a way I’m glad I’ve been able to focus on myself, but in a way it hurts too much when I think about how he isn’t in my life anymore and I feel like I’d do almost anything to have him in my life because he’s such an amazing person even though our relationship was slightly toxic but that was down to the fact that I was being unfair and emotionally manipulative and that was really horrible of me. At least I’m aware of it now- for future relationships.

 I’m sure that if we had talked about it and tried again, we would have worked it out, just like we always had but I was too stubborn to think straight. I had convinced myself and i wasn’t budging and seeing him leave when he did, it took everything for me not to chase him down the street. I remember crying for days. In my room, in the shower, in public, to sleep, everywhere. I remember seeing him everywhere and in everything. I remember hearing his name and hearing our song and it all killed me a little bit more every single day until I couldn’t take it anymore and i had a breakdown and couldn’t do it anymore. I felt unsafe with myself.  The difference between the first and second time, was that even thought he wasn’t there the second time, in my heart I knew that he still loved me and if I did anything, I would be causing him unbearable pain, and I just couldn’t do that. I guess that’s what I mean when I talk about hope.

I remember the day we broke up, he fought for me, but I had convinced myself that he would be better off without me. I had other people convince me as well. I should have known better but I was so tired and weak that I just…gave up. That killed me because deep down I knew that I needed him. I didn’t know how I would go on without him. To love someone so much you let them go because you don’t want to hurt them anymore is one of the hardest things Ive ever done. I convinced myself he didn’t need me, and maybe he didn’t but I needed him and I still do. I’ve just learned how to distract myself and work on myself so that maybe one day, he’ll come back into my life and this time ill be ready. Or maybe one day i’ll meet someone and feel the same thing I felt with him. The same ‘’this is the one’’ feeling. But then how do you even know? And how is it fair of me to say i’ll feel the same thing? Maybe this wasn’t even love? 

Now, when I talk about this kind of love, I don’t mean the passionate, lustful desire you feel at the start of a relationship, the kind of ‘’love’’ that is mostly about physical things. I’m talking about the mature, grown love that takes time to develop, It takes time for it to grow. But it’s the kind of love that when you have for someone you can’t imagine being ‘’serious’’ with anyone else. You can’t picture yourself having a future with anyone except for them. Maybe I’m delusional and naive but I guess I still have hope. I still have faith in the universe. I still have faith that this is something I can actually have. Something I actually deserve. I guess that makes me stupid but without hope and faith in life, I have nothing at all. 

Much love, Jana xxx