♥ I Had To Change♥

Every day I wake up and I think the pain will stop. I think that oh today is the day it won’t hurt anymore and maybe ill miss you a little bit less than I did yesterday. But that doesn’t happen. I’m sitting on my bed, sipping on the tea we would drink before bed. I can’t stop thinking about all the memories. It’s not even major memories. It’s just the little things I didn’t think I would ever miss you this much. I don’t think I was ever prepared for you to leave my life. I keep hoping that you’ll come back, but as more time passes by I can’t help but think maybe thats it. Maybe that was the last time I saw you and that makes me miss you even more. I can’t help but cry at the thought of never seeing your smile again or hearing your voice or the way your eyes crinkle when you laugh. The same girly laugh I fell in love with when I used to tickle you. 

I can’t help but take at least 5 minutes every day to just feel the pain of missing you. Maybe thats unhealthy but it’s like you’re still here. You’re gone but you’re everywhere I look. It’s funny because even though you aren’t here and I’m happy on my own, you still make me a better person every day. It’s weird, isn’t it. Part of me does things because I want to make you proud. I want to prove to you that I was worth it. That I wasn’t just a terrible person all that time. That I was still the person you fell for , even in my darkest moments.

Maybe I’m scared that all you remember are the bad times and all the fights and the arguments and the yelling and the crying. 

The weirdest part is that I feel like I know we won’t be together again. There’s a reason we didn’t work out and thats okay. People come and go and thats how life works. It’s not that I miss you as the boyfriend you were and the times when you were more than that. It’s not that. It’s just that you played such a significant part in my life that you became everything else too and thats why it hurts so much to know you’re gone. Because obviously I’m slightly messed up, and thats okay. Everyone is a bit messed up at some points of their lives. But it’s because you were also every other male figure in my life. That sounds really fucked up, I know that but if you think about it, it makes sense. 

I never had anyone really tell me they were proud of me, or the things parents are supposed to say to you. I would always get compared and of course my parents love me and want the best for me but it was never that extra bit that I needed at that point in my life and instead I always got it from you instead. When I did something great or overcame something ,no matter how big or small you told me you were proud of me. When I overcame my eating disorder, you were there and you told me how proud you were. The same thing happened when I started getting less panic attacks and less nightmares and the cutting stopped. You were there, every time. Until one day you weren’t. And now its like deja vu, except this time you aren’t coming back because how can you be so many people. It’s not realistic. Its too much work, too much baggage, its near the impossible and super exhausting to work so hard to be so many people to one person. And thats why I had to let you go. Because you had to focus on being one person, on just being you. And not the boyfriend, best friend, parent, sibling, first love and soul mate figure to someone else. 

I loved you so much I had to let you go. I told you it was because I couldn’t handle your problems as well as mine. That wasn’t completely true. I could have handled them. I would have. But I had to let you go because I knew if I didn’t , I would never learn and I would continue hurting you with my self sabotaging emotional manipulation. I wouldn’t have changed, the way I have now. I would have kept repeating the same stupid mistakes over and over and you would have left me anyway. I’m so sorry I made you feel like I gave up on you. I wish I could take away the pain I caused you and the hurt look on your face that is forever hardwired in my brain from the last day you were mine.

You were a combination of people in my life and thats why it hurts so much and thats why I can’t seem to just cut it out. Because you weren’t 1 person, you were everyone to me. But it’s okay, I promise. You watched me grow for 4 years and I guess I hoped you’d always stay in my life. But I know that I hurt you a lot and I’m sorry for that. Oh, how sorry I am about so many things. Especially about how badly I treated you at times. I promise, I’m actually a decent person now. Thanks to you. You made me realise that I had to change and so I did. I started changing for the better, for you, and then, I did it for me.

I cry, of course I do. But then the pain settles into a sort of numb pain thats just about there and I start to calm down, and the hysteria settles and I can just continue with going on with my life the way that I do. And even thought there are days where I really wish things hadn’t ended the way they did, a part of me is glad they did. Because after you left my life, I finally learned to really accept myself. I reinvented myself and the girl you knew no longer exists. I’m a stronger, braver, more vibrant version of who I was before. I am done with self sabotage and emotional manipulation. Im done with letting people walk all over me and letting people disrespect me. But most of all I’m done disrespecting myself. I can finally say with 100% certainty that I, Love Myself. In every way that I am and in any way I will be. I can say I am proud of myself and I no longer need anyone else to tell me that because I am, finally, enough. 

Much love,

Jana xxx