It’s funny. I thought that I would need a lot more time to move on, but as it turns out, I have moved on. That doesn’t mean that I don’t miss you, because 4 years is a really long time, especially when that’s like half of my teenage years. But what I mean is, I am okay with you not being in my life anymore. I am grateful you were there for 4 years, because without that and what I learned with you in my life, I wouldn’t be where I am now and I sure I would have found happiness one day, but my life seems to be perfect , even if it seems like a mess to other people.
It took me a while to realise that it was okay to be in love with someone else, because even though I love you, a part of me always will love you because you were my first, I don’t love you like that. And it’s okay. I don’t know why I felt like I owed you something for so long. I don’t know why I felt like I didn’t deserve to fall in love again so soon or to have anything after what we had but it’s okay. I had to say it to myself. It’s okay jana, you can’t control your feelings. It’s okay jana, you’re allowed to be happy. I don’t know why I spent so long trying to make myself feel bad for breaking it off when I knew that it was for the best. That I knew the reasons it hadn’t worked out. That I knew it wasn’t all my fault. That I wasn’t the ONLY reason it hadn’t worked out. But, that is totally okay. I deserve to be happy, just like you do and just like everyone else does.
Do you know what? I realise now that I was so selfish in my thinking. I was scared that if I let myself completely move on, you would replace me with someone and I didn’t want that to happen. I guess I wanted to be “the best you ever had” but now I genuinely hope that you find happiness with someone that loves you and gives you more than I ever could. You deserve to be happy with someone just as I am now.If you ever read this I hope you know that my intention was never to hurt you. I know that letting me go was really difficult for you but I want you to know that I am so thankful for everything you’ve taught me. I guess this is kind of like a final goodbye. I am sure I will probably write about you again, but this is me finally moving on and im smiling typing this because i realise, I don’t care how you remember me or our relationship. But, I will always remember it in a positive light. I know that maybe it’s easier for you to move on thinking of me as a bad person, etc, but I just can’t do that because you aren’t a bad person and I believe in karma and i honestly only wish you the best. I only want the best for you. Honestly, especially after all the shit life threw at us.
I was terrified of moving on because I didn’t think I could feel the same way I felt about you about anyone else, and the truth is, I can’t. Because everyone is different. I will never feel the same way I felt about you, the way I will feel about someone else because every relationship is different. And I can finally see that this isn’t a bad thing. Actually, it is a really good thing. Honestly, I’m typing this at 3am, sitting on my bed, in my, grinning at my laptop screen because life is literally perfect and oh look , surprise surprise i am crying. Again. Have I mentioned that I am a hot mess? Actually, just a mess. For now.
Um, I guess I just had an urge to write my thoughts down, and yeah I am in a new relationship, with this amazing guy, that I love and that loves me and we actually communicate and talk about things. And for a few seconds I wanted to delete my past posts because they’re about my ex, but then I realised that wouldn’t be very honest or authentic and I don’t want to keep things from him or from the people that actually take their time to read my stuff. Maybe none of this makes any sense at all, and maybe it does. But I feel like I’d rather write it down and be completely honest rather than write a massive post about how in love I am in a new relationship, how its the best one I have ever been in and compare it to all my past exes etc etc and honestly? I just can’t do that. Because even though I am in an amazing relationship, and I wouldn’t change anything now, comparing things is the worst thing you can do.
Because it sets you up for disappointment and failure and no two people are the same. No two relationships are alike. Each one is unique in its own way. And I now know what it takes to make a relationship work.
It has nothing to do with luck, it has nothing to do with being alike or it being easy and simple because honestly? Relationships are hard. They are freaking hard, and you have to put in hard work. And you have to communicate and talk things through. And compromise. And be honest. And you can’t be scared of hurting the other persons feelings. It’s not as simple as just loving each other and even if you do there will always be imperfections and rocky moments. But that’s why you sit down , honestly talk things through and compromise. And if you do that, then I don’t see how it can’t work out. You just have to believe in yourself and your relationship, and it’s okay if you have doubts, everyone does, because at the end of the day, we’re all only human and how boring would it be if we were all perfect?
Much love,
Jana xxx