Ever since I can remember, I’ve always been a relationship-type of girl, there wasn’t a time where I was single for longer than a few months. I’ve been in and out of relationships or obsessing over boys since I was 11 years old. Considering i’m 19 now, that’s a pretty long time. I don’t know why I was always like that, maybe when i was at school i was bored and having a crush on someone made life a bit more interesting but I was always putting my energy towards pursuing someone else or getting involved with someone even at such a young age.
My therapist tells me theres a pattern in my relationships, that I tend to be attracted to people that I try to ‘fix’, that it makes me feel like I have a purpose or like I’m important or something. I’m not sure what that means exactly but I thought it was worth mentioning. My 4 year on and off relationship ended 106 days ago. Is it sad that I know exactly how many days it’s been? Maybe it is, maybe not. But anyway, that’s the longest relationship I’ve ever had and he was my best friend. For someone to be in your life every single day for 4 years and then just completely disappear. Well, it’s hard not having them around. It’s not even the relationship bit I’m talking about. I’m talking about the simple things. Like when you’re tosing & turning at night and they put their arm around you and pull you closer and you fall asleep listening to their chest rising up and down. Or waking up to them smiling at you. Or the deep conversations you’d have at 3am. I notice it the most when i’m sitting at a restaurant eating by myself. There’s nothing wrong with taking yourself out and treating yourself. You don’t need anyone to make you feel loved or validated but I’m talking about the simple things you don’t experience when you’re single. Like the fact I don’t even remember what a date feels like.
This is the kind of intimacy I find myself craving and there’s nothing I can do to make myself feel better. I mean don’t get me wrong. Being single is great. You can do whatever you want. You don’t have to worry about anyone or be accountable for them or watch your actions or what you say. Or worry about flirting with other people or accidentally doing something you shouldn’t. You can spend time on yourself, build yourself up, build your career, do the things you love, but at the end of the day, when you come home to an empty apartment, or house, there’s noone to talk to about how your day went, noone to enjoy the simple little things. Having yourself is great, but I crave that extra bit.
Of course you can talk to your friends, you can call your best friend and invite them for a sleepover or you can go out and have fun, but at the end of the day, that deep intimacy you have with someone, and i don’t mean the sexual kind (even though thats great too). But, the sex as great as it is (with the right person) I can live without. But the intimacy. Well, the deep kind of intimacy I’m talking about can’t really compare. You only have that sort of connection with a special person, and when it isn’t there, every day you feel like something is missing. It’s that deep ache you feel at 3 in the afternoon. Or your faltering smile at midnight.
Being single is a great way to discover yourself and what is important in your life. It’s a good way of figuring out what your priorities in life are. It’s an amazing way of focusing on the things that matter and a great way of avoiding distraction when you want to achieve your dreams. But it’s amazing when you have someone to share it with and that deep level of intimacy is hard to achieve, even with your best friend.
So, here I am at half past midnight writing this blog post with a tear streamed face and even though I am happy, I can’t help but feel that deep ache in my chest. Sometimes we just want to be wanted, we just want to be held while we fall asleep and feel loved. We want to hold hands, we want to feel the presence of someone we have a deep connection with.
I know that one day I will connect with someone on a deep level again. But getting out of a relationship and losing your boyfriend is hard enough already. Especially if they’re your best friend as well and they literally know everything about you. Probably better than you know yourself. But when you lose your boyfriend, best friend, and someone you have a soul deep connection with, that kind of intimacy, when you lose THAT, it leaves a mark. It’s imprinted on you, it doesn’t go away.
One day you’ll meet someone that will fill that mark, but until then you’re filled with long nights of restless sleep, just wanting to feel that intimacy again. Just wanting to be pulled close and held, as you fall asleep to the rise and fall of their breathing.
Much love, Jana xxx