♥Messages From The Universe♥

 

Honestly it’s crazy how life works. One minute you’re wondering if this is what you want, if this is what you want your life to be and the next the universe answers it. Sometimes you may not realise that this happens. Like for me. I was lying in bed today and thinking about how I wished my life was different. I started having all of these materialistic thoughts. Wishing I had all of these “things” , all these possessions, that wouldn’t make me happy but would distract me ,temporarily ,before I’d start to feel the same way once again. Why can’t I be rich and famous?Why can’t I have all the money so I can travel and do what I want?Why can’t I have this and do that and blah blah blah?Like anyone is going to hand that stuff out to you for free and especially when you haven’t earned it. I think that the universe was trying to give me a reality check. To show me all the things I do have and have been taking for granted.

I got out of bed to use the bathroom and all of a sudden , I started to feel nauseous and dizzy and next thing I knew I was falling and woke up 15 minutes later on the hard floor , with a pounding headache. This happened 5 times. After the 5th time I stayed on the hard floor, tears dripping down my face, curling my body into a ball, desperately trying to make myself feel better. But it only got worse. That’s when I started to feel a sharp pain on the left lower side of my abdomen. I called an ambulance and waited. For 2 hours. I lied there for what seemed like forever and I’m honestly ashamed to say that I hoped something was really wrong with me. It all crossed my mind. Maybe I have cancer, no actually I thought I hope I have cancer, and I’m aware of how horrible of a thought that is, people go through cancer all the time and it’s horrible but that’s what I thought and I thought maybe this will make me more grateful. All the self hatred talk started.

By the time the ambulance got there and I was lying on a hospital bed in the ambulance I started wishing my ex was there. And then I started to wonder why was I wishing he was there. Why was I holding on to the past so freaking hard I wasn’t able to let go? I knew that part of my life was over and it was ok. Except for some reason I didn’t want to admit this to myself. And because I wasn’t letting go of this, I wasn’t letting myself appreciate what I had. I wasn’t appreciating the person I had become and I was holding on to something that was long gone but my relationship started to suffer because I was so focused on what had been instead of focusing on what I had. What I have and what I have is amazing . I was focusing on what I didn’t have.

I was focusing on the fact that I was unemployed, unhealthy, unloved, ungrateful. Then I started picking my boyfriend apart. Focusing on all his flaws and picking apart everything he does that bothers me and everything my ex did better. I started comparing and wishing he did this and that etc. Instead of focusing on everything that he does have and everything he is. I started thinking about everything he wasn’t and couldn’t do. Honestly when I think about it now ,the best way I would put myself into words would be “ungrateful bitch” but then again.

I know I sound like a horrible person. But I’m being honest here and I don’t think I’m alone when I say I’ve thought these things.

I’ve been horrible to my boyfriend when all he’s done is be amazing and take care of me and give me whatever I want. As much as he can. Even when we’re broke and can barely afford to feed ourselves, he still makes sure I’m fed even if it means going hungry himself. I couldn’t find a more perfect guy for me if I tried. We understand each other . He ticks everything on my list. Well most things anyway. And obviously he isn’t perfect and he snores in his sleep and dribbles( don’t tell him I told you that) but even though these things annoy me and I sort of hate them, I love them at the same time because I would miss these things if we ended up no longer being together. And I still find ways to pick him apart at times and that’s okay, but I’m not perfect either and there are things he doesn’t like about me. However, that’s not what I’m writing about here.

I want to talk about love.
There are so many different types of love out there. There’s friend love, motherly love, true love, first love, last love , the could’ve been and would’ve beens. The if onlys and fails. The unrequited love, the stalkerish love. And so many others I could go on all day long. But, at the end of the day ,no matter what anyone says, even though you can’t choose how you feel about someone, if you love someone, a part of you does choose to love them after your honeymoon phase has passed. Now I know a lot of couples never leave that phase but honestly in my experience ,I thought that love would be the same as it was with my “first “ and that’s why I felt unhappy for a long time , trying to fill that , trying to make it the same as the first when no relationship is ever the same. Your first love is special because it’s infatuation, it’s the first time you ever feel that special feeling, the excitement of seeing them again, the falling in love, and then the nostalgia that comes with the memories and looking back at a simpler time when there were no responsibilities and everything seemed simple and nothing else mattered except for how you felt about that person. It’s a  chemical reaction in the brain and as humans our firsts are always something we look back at. Now I’m not sure if that part is so much scientific as it is that that’s what we’ve been conditioned into by society but regardless it’s still like that.

Now I know you can’t choose how you feel but when you’re in a marriage for example you choose to make it work, every single day. Because now things aren’t as simple are you love each other, no matter how much you convince yourself they are.  You wake up and fight for that person even if there are days there you might have thoughts of regret or you think about your ex and you’re like why isn’t he like him. Or you argue and you fill with so much rage you want to retaliate. But when you’ve built a life with someone Well if he was you wouldn’t have gotten married in the first place. There’s a reason you married this guy and not that guy. Maybe I’m making sense and maybe I’m not but I thought that if I could write my thoughts down, maybe it could help someone else too. Because I didn’t understand why the universe would send me to the emergency room with something that came out of nowhere. But everything is a lesson and this has taught me a major one. That one person who is always there and who never leaves your side regardless if you’re rich or poor, healthy or sick, hating or loving , throwing tantrums and going through crazy ass mood swings. If they can still see your worst side and stay by your side and understand you, and support you. They are it. They are the person you should fight for. Don’t take them for granted because if you do you’ll push them too far and you’ll regret it for a long long time. You might’ve missed out on true love.

All my love,

Jana xxx