Pregnancy is such a beautiful thing. I still can’t believe that the human body can create a human being in 9 months. It’s so crazy to me.
However, it can also be a very difficult and confusing time for a lot of people.
I never really knew just how confusing it could be until now.
I am officially 6 months pregnant ( It really is crazy to think I’ve been growing this baby for half a year ) and I have a lot of feelings of loneliness, isolation and sometimes even disinterest.
Not disinterest in the baby, but everything else. Like going outside for a walk, going to the gym, or even cooking something creative doesn’t interest me. Watching a movie is more so I waste time rather than actually enjoy it and the same goes for other things like having a bit of chocolate, which i would normally savour.
I wouldn’t say I’m depressed, although I do have says where I feel very low, but I haven’t felt like doing anything. I wouldn’t call it boredom but I also wouldn’t call it laziness, because I still force myself to do some things. But I could also stare at a wall for half an hour and get the same sort of feeling/ “enjoyment” out of it.
I kind of just go through the motions because I have to. I don’t know wether its because I’m just mentally exhausted from other things, physically exhausted because Im pregnant or just maybe a bit tired of feeling so alone?
Honestly, the more i try to make sense of how I’m feeling, the more my brain hurts.
So as beautiful as this time is, I also have a lot of fear and anxiety and just want to go to sleep to pass the time.
I can’t help but overthink things.
Will I be a good mother?
Will I be happy to be a mother?
Will I resent my baby?
Will I get depressed or mentally sick like I used to be years ago?
I am terrified of being neglectful or feeling any sort of resentment towards my baby even though I actually love him more than anything in the entire world. ( Apart from my boyfriend of course.)
Part of me feels like I feel like that because of my childhood and all of the mistakes my mom made( even though she did a lot of things right and I am so thankful and grateful for all of the opportunities I have had in life because of the choices she made) but another part of me is afraid that the chemicals in my brain and all the hormone changes that happen after birth will be partially responsible for be being unwell or triggering me somehow.
However, as scared as I am, I am more excited and happy more than anything else. I can’t wait to be a mom.
And I know it’ll be hard. Especially in the first few months to a year. I know that some babies feed every 30 mins. Some every 2 hours. I know that I will barely get any sleep ( I basically already get barely any sleep because being 6 months pregnant, it’s hard to get comfortable. )
But I also know that it will be worth it. I know my anxiety will most likely be bad at some points because i’ll stress about the little things, like dishes not being done, or the fact I won’t have showered in 2 days or something else, that really won’t matter because our baby will be there and the most important thing will be for me to feed him and to look after him.
So, as hard as I know it will be, I know that it will be worth it. I’m trying my hardest to be positive, I really am.
But I am a 21 year old woman. And a lot of people my age, especially in the area that I live in, go out and party and drink and still live with their parents. So my lifestyle is very different to that. And with not having any friends apart from my boyfriend who works all day to be able to provide for our family, it gets very lonely. I’m also very picky when it comes to making friends as not a lot of people are on the same page as me and I won’t waste my time if their energy doesn’t vibe with mine. I’m not okay with surrounding myself with people who have bad energy or who gossip and have pointless conversations about nothing. I need deep conversations from the soul.
Honestly, I am much happier to spend time alone rather than pretend to enjoy someone else company when we are so different. I can’t force myself to force anything, regardless of how isolated I feel.
Plus I had enough experience with that sort of lifestyle as a teenager to know that that going out clubbing etc is not my sort of thing. I would much rather take a bath, read a good book and be in bed by 9pm. I am a bit of a grandma hehe.
I’m not sure if I made any sense but if you’re reading this and you feel isolated and alone I want you to know it’s okay, a lot of pregnant women feel like this.
It’s okay to be scared about motherhood and worried about being a parent. But just trust that you will do the best that you can and that is enough. These worries shouldn’t dictate your life and if it’s really bad, make sure you talk to your midwife and get a referral to a mental health clinic.
I have done this myself, and of course I felt guilty at first. I felt like wow I’m supposed to be a mother, the baby isn’t even here yet and I’m already struggling. But the sooner you get all the support you need, the easier it’ll be once you’ve given birth.
Since I have a history with depression, it is more likely for me to postpartum depression, and it’s so nice to know I won’t be alone when the baby finally comes.
My boyfriend will of course help me as much as he can but he can only take so much time off. So whilst I’ll be at home with the baby, he will be at work.
When I talked to my midwife and she referred me , I ended up meeting with a woman that specialises in mental health and families and she will visit me once the baby is born.
She talked to me about a lot of stuff, including breastfeeding , which I am planning on doing, and she helps women with that as well, so if I need it , it’s there. That really eased my worries regarding breastfeeding and I feel a lot calmer and less anxious since reaching out and talking about my worries. Sometimes you just need a professionals guidance and help. Especially with something so life changing such as motherhood.
It’s okay to need help and it’s okay to admit that things are overwhelming and that you feel like it’s a lot. Because it is. But there is help and support , even if you don’t have friends and family to help you.
I think that’s enough rambling for now, so I’ll talk to you guys very soon.
All my love, Jana xxx