I didn’t know it was possible to love someone you haven’t met with such intensity. But I feel it. I have this overwhelming sense of happiness and joy whenever I think about meeting you. Whenever I can feel you move inside me it feels miraculous.
As many of you know, as I’ve shared this before, but for those of you new to my blog and didn’t know. I had a miscarriage about 3 years ago. It was the hardest/ most heartbreaking thing I had ever gone through. And because the remaining remains of my dead baby never fully left my body naturally, I ended up in the A&E room with excruciating pains, vomiting, nausea, fever, chills, and inability to walk. I had to call an ambulance and they sent me home with painkillers. Apparently there was nothing wrong with me. Then 12 hours later, I ended up back in the hospital where they finally did an ultrasound and found the remains inside of me that had been causing me so much pain. They also found a very severe infection that had me close to sepsis.
I was told it would probably be difficult for me to get pregnant again as I’d had the infection for so long and the remains had been inside of me for so long.
At that time, I was in quite a toxic relationship and i was struggling within myself.
I never want to say that my baby dying was a good thing, but things have worked out for the best and now I am the happiest I have ever been. I had a bit of guilt about feeling like this at first, and from time to time I still mourn the death of my unborn child. But things work out the way they do.
I never thought I’d be able to have a family after that experience. And it hasn’t been easy.
Throughout the entirety of the first trimester I was severely fatigued and extremely nauseous. I was also suffering from very bad heartburn and acid reflux. I was miserable but I felt so happy at the same time. However, it still didn’t feel real.
And I worried every single second of every day. I avoided anything that could potentially harm the baby. But it got to a point where I wouldn’t eat because everything apart from those things made me feel sick. Which of course made me worry even more. My boyfriend was so so helpful and i don’t know what I would’ve done without him. He would let me sleep, made me food, and did the dishes for me. I already knew he would be the best dad.
One day I ended up having a few sips of Coke and it made me feel so much better. I could actually eat dinner. I don’t know why having a few sips of coke made me feel better but it did. It didn’t agree with my eczema very much but at that point, I didn’t care. I just knew I wasn’t going to eat animal products. I was staying vegan, that was for sure.
I was always one of those people that would judge other pregnant women for eating junk food or consuming things like soda etc. But now that I’ve gone through what I have gone through I really can’t bash anyone for the choices they make during pregnancy.
The main reason I was constantly worried was because I was afraid of having another miscarriage. I was afraid the baby wasn’t okay. This was before out 12 week scan. The weeks coming up to the scan felt like the longest weeks of my life. It felt like years. I couldn’t wait until 12 weeks so I ended up going to the early pregnancy clinic, just to make sure it wasn’t an ectopic pregnancy/ that it was viable since the doctors at the hospital told me it would be difficult for me to get pregnant again.
But we have a little miracle baby <3 I still can’t believe that we’re going to be a family. I couldn’t be more grateful and full of excitement. I can’t even begin to explain what being a mother means to me but I just can’t wait for this next chapter of out lives. I know I’ve already said that but it’s still so surreal to me.
I am now in my 21st week, so over halfway there, and I can feel him kicking every day. Every time i can feel him kick (DID I MENTION IT’S A BOY! ) I put my hands on my tummy, close my eyes and just picture him in my mind. It’s such a special bonding moment. Honestly, it makes me want to burst into tears every time, just from feeling so overwhelmed with love, joy, excitement , and still it feeling surreal.
I feel like I’ve rambled on and on and I’m not even sure if any of this made much sense , haha, but anyways. I can’t wait to share more pregnancy related and mommy related things on this blog.
Things will be changing a little bit but of course I am planning on raising our child vegan and have been vegan throughout my entire pregnancy. If there is anything you’d like to know, or for me to talk about please do let me know as I love getting new ideas for posts!
I know I’ve been a bit MIA lately but I am going to be posting at least once a week! Now that the secret is out, I’m not longer so anxious 100% of the time, and don’t feel so nauseous and tired constantly so will have a lot of time to post quality content.
I love you guys!!
Jana xxx